Jobseeker Confidential

Triple Dip

2011-07-18T03:08:00.000-07:00

Hello once more, dear readers.

If you noticed a six-month gap in posts, and inferred that I had another job in the meantime: well done. My presence here now signifies the loss of that job.

Immediately after Christmas, someone to whom I'd made a speculative application phoned me up to ask if I was still available. On New Years Eve I was raising a glass to a new future.

The fly in the ointment was a further step in the erosion of status: used to permanent full time employment (or, indeed, unemployment), my last job had been as a Temp. I was on the payroll of a large company, but they played fairly by me. The only reminder was on the last Friday of most months, when my wife would ask, "...do they want you next week?".

This time I was to be a Contractor. Self Employed. I had to invoice my employer for my wages, and wait for him to write a cheque, which I then had to wait to clear. I would also be responsible for my own tax and NI affairs, which remains a slight worry. I was reassured by several people who had worked like this that it was quite easy, and I agreed that it was certainly better than not having a job.

The company had so much work that within a week they had asked me if I knew anyone else who would like to work there, and I happily recommended a friend, and he started that Monday.

Within 6 months however, the work had run out and both of us were given the boot.

Now I am back searching for work - and according to the news, the situation is mixed.

The general economy is growing so slowly it can barely be measured. Inflation is rampant (although they say the rate has dropped this month). Rates of unemployment are falling slightly, but the numbers claiming Jobseekers' Allowance has risen. Depending on who you ask, public sector cuts will (have already?) either smash the country back to the 1930s, or the private sector/big society will rise manfully to the challenge.

On the ground, there are a few job adverts I can pursue - but mainly, for some reason, in Hampshire. None of the companies I have approached speculatively seem to have any openings.

The jobcentrePLUS has taken the need to be frugal to heart: the plastic sleeve they used to give you to keep your documents safe, has been sacrificed. Now the 3-4 pieces of A4 folded into quarters will have to take their chances. Luckily I saved mine from last time.

Back in the DHSS

2010-11-19T06:37:00.000-08:00

It’s been a while.

With no thanks due to the YMCA, the jobcentrePLUS or the Flexible New Deal, I found a job in February. The job – one of the mythic 70% which are never advertised - was only temporary, but it lasted eight months longer than anyone promised at the beginning. I wrote about it on Sky News' website.

I can remember the feeling of relief at having found this job; it was almost overwhelming. Spending more than a year out of work causes you to doubt if your life will ever get back on track. Although we were lucky compared to many – we were used to living within our means, so when our means became limited suddenly, we could cope – it was still demoralising to have to think before treating ourselves to something as trivial as a cup of coffee out...

So, I had the experience of a few months work and everything which comes with the package. I was paid, of course, and I regained an appreciation of my skills and qualities in my professional field. I achieved things which were tangible, literally concrete in some cases.

I was last in permanent employment just after the great banking crisis. I found this job just as the recession was being declared over, and unemployment was falling slightly. Now, being out of work again when everyone has their fingers crossed against the dreaded Double Dip recession, and the spending cuts are feeding through, it seems a little as if history is waiting to decide my future.

Meanwhile, I seek jobs. I also re-engage with the jobcentrePLUS and their public/private partners and 'providers'. It has been arranged for me to meet with a consultant shortly - paid for by the taxpayer - so he can evaluate my CV, and give me tips and hints on a one-to-one basis. I will let you know how that goes.

I am writing this on the day someone called David Young has had to resign because he said some things which reveal just how out of touch are the very very rich with those of us in less fortunate pecuniary circumstances. You know the rich - they're the people who think that Kate Middleton is 'ordinary' and 'middle class', and go on television to say so (I wouldn't be surprised to hear that Young thinks HE is middle class, like Dave Cameron).

Actually, he made some sense. Most people didn't lose their jobs, and lots of people had variable rate mortgages. Lots of people don't rely on interest from their savings (lots of people don't even have savings, only debt). I used to see those people whenever I went out, to Bluewater, or London, at the weekend. They would be the ones carrying bags full of new clothes, or driving smart new cars. For them the recession must have been background noise, or a rumour - something which was happening in another country.

Even sympathetic people don't really have a clue what it's like - and I wouldn't want them to.

Planning and Targeting

2010-01-20T04:06:00.001-08:00

The session starts in a by now familiar way: we arrive one by one, and stand around chatting awkwardly or leafing through the various local newspapers, while the staff bustle around, occasionally stopping to make attempts to bond with their customers. The phrase "So, what about the footie then?" remains unspoken, but I can sense the words hanging in the air.

Eventually, after asking a fellow jobseeker how, I log onto one of the computers, and commence a little light jobseeking - you know - to pass the time. I find something I can apply for, and am halfway through composing an email when, as usual, we are gathered around a table identical to the one we were gathered around, but in a slightly different place.

The flipchart is brought over, and the topic unveiled as "Planning and Targeting - Jobseeking". The teachers hand around an a4 sheet printed with a matrix, which, it is explained, is to enable us to tally how many "job leads" (jargon for looking in different places - reading one newspaper counts as one job lead, apparently) we have actually achieved, and compare them to how many we had hoped to achieve.

I was fearing another endless lecture about this, but we are soon set loose to actually look for jobs. First of all, though, we have to set our targets. We are asked to ensure we use at least three methods, including the telephone.

We had been told about the telephone in the lecture on the subject a few weeks previously. During the lecture we were told that it was important to find a place to call from where it was quiet, private and comfortable, as absence of these elements would transmit themselves down the wires. Naturally you would expect the 'telephone resource' at the YMCA would conform to these standards...

There is, in fact, a single telephone for our use, and it's on a table next to the coffee making area, near the place where everyone congregates while waiting for the sessions to start. Some days are quiet, but today there are at least ten of us - and we have all been told to use the telephone. When I ask, they concede that there are one or two other telephones in the building, but they're in people's offices. We could, if absolutely necessary, use one of these. "Ideal", I think, but it's clear that this eventuality will never come to pass.

I resume my job seeking. As well as the news papers and internet job sites, I have brought along a notebook full of contacts - people I have written to in the past year, and I decide to take advantage of the free telephone to see if any of them would like to be reminded that I would still like a job.

The phone was much better than I expected - once everyone else was busy, it was surprisingly quiet, and secluded from the areas where most people were working. I make several calls, and end up applying for three actual jobs, and convincing at least four people that they would like a copy of my CV in the post.

One of the teachers announces that in about an hour (ie 1230h), they will give us our travel expenses (this is code for dismissing us for the day). She says "We don't want to knacker you out... you need to save some energy for the weekend." It's Thursday.

By 1215h, I have more than met my targets. I need to write some letters, but as these will take longer than a quarter of an hour, I decide that I will do them at home. I notice that there is a Daily Telegraph on the table in amongst the local sheets. I look through the jobs, aware that looking at anything else will incur the wrath of the teachers. There's nothing in there (the BBC needs a new Head of Something or Other, and ICI are desperate for directors, but not much else), and I become complacent.

I flick through the news pages.

No-one notices. I leaf through the sport...

I notice the quick crossword. I reckon I can get a couple of clues.

I fill one in.

The paper is snatched from my hand. "We don't write on the papers!"

I know full well "we" don't write on newspapers, but she was reacting as if I had been scribbling in the bible. I hadn't defaced any job adverts. I protested that I had merely written in a clue to the crossword - in a newspaper which would be in the recycling tomorrow. I hadn't even wasted any time. I was aware of being caught squarely in the "We expect you to behave like adults" paradox. I could say nothing.

I turned round to see all the others, the builders, the dustmen, and the gardeners all smirking at me. "She told you off!"

I don't mind admitting I was furious.

I queued for my petrol money. Unfortunately, unlike everyone else, I had to return in half an hour for my weekly Work Focussed Interview. I did return, and managed to pass the entire (brief) process without saying more than "yes" and "no".

So, a morning of two halves...

Look! In the Sky!

2010-01-20T03:12:00.000-08:00

There's more Jobseeker Confidential over on the Sky News website.

Don't worry though - I can confirm that I have already declared it to the authorities!

Interview Techniques

2009-12-09T10:16:00.000-08:00

A full house down at the YMCA today, for the lecture on Interview Techniques. Eventually we are summoned to the flip-chart, and we settle down to watch a video on their tiny computer monitor.

Scene: a room.

A man with purple hair, acne, pierced ears and punk attitude sits slouching on a chair. A man and a woman, older, smartly dressed, sit facing him.

Man 1 - Well, yeah... I just sort of want a job, don't I? (He picks his nose).

The machine is switched off. The advisors are beside themselves with mirth as they breathlessly announce that was how not to do it. They don't even notice that no-one else has seen anything to laugh at. Gamely, they continue to explain that the man's outlandish appearance is funny because he, and the film he is starring in, are from the past. And then I remember - they had warned us at an earlier session that they had some pricelessly funny old video, and that they might (as a treat) show it to us.

Mercifully, the session begins in earnest. The flipchart is flipped, and we see the words "Interview. What to do before. What to expect during. What you should do afterwards." According to the lesson, most people never think about what do to before an interview, or about what to do afterwards. It strikes me that if those people aren't at least considering what to do beforehand, the interview itself is probably going to be a more-or-less brain-free operation as well.

We are asked who among us has had a job interview. To my surprise, more than a few people don't raise their hand. This could, of course, be apathy. On the other hand, perhaps some people do get jobs without having interviews. Maybe they aren't counting informal meetings, or on site appraisals. We are told that an interview consists of nothing more that the employer establishing who you are, what you can do, and whether you will do it. All the questions, they say, boil down to establishing these three factors.

We are told to break into groups for the dreaded brainstorm - one group concentrating on things to consider before the interview, and the other on things to think of during. Things to do afterwards, it seems, is a short list, and was only included for symmetry. This is what we came up with.

Confirm attendance time/date/place
Get proper contact details
Plan your route to the meeting (I try always to do a dummy run on the previous Sunday - really!)
Print out/obtain job description
Research company details and news
Find out if you will be expected to do a presentation or test
Prepare Question and Answer sheet
Bring any ID documents you may be asked for
Be on time (this means 10 minutes early)
Be nice to everyone you meet on the premises (their opinion may be sought)
Dress smart (this means 'one-up' from your usual workday wear - but stop at ordinary lounge suit - don't be tempted to dress for Royal Ascot)
Get an early night, don't over do the aftershave, and suck mints before you arrive (to amuse myself, I write the word 'mince' instead of 'mints'. Unfortunately one of the teachers notices, and corrects me, loudly)
Walk smartly - your future employer might be looking out of the window as you arrive, and would not be impressed if he saw you slouching, for instance, and then recognised you as his interviewee

During
Show motivation - be bright and interested
Answer questions fully, and truthfully
Listen properly
Ask your own questions (I personally hate this bit - generally they have already answered my questions by the time they ask. One solution is to contrive utterly irrelevant questions, to reduce the likelihood of them being pre-empted. This is not recommended advice, however)
Make eye contact
Accept hand-shake, but don't offer (it's a power thing, apparently)
Never accept a cup of tea (apparently you will spill it, or require the toilet, or both)
Don't be rude about previous employers
Be yourself (this only works, of course, if 'yourself' happens to be a pleasant, personable, bright and charming human being. The rest of us should probably try putting on a bit of a show)

Something about these Brain Storming sessions strikes me as odd. We are looking into topics where there is no such thing as an exhaustive list. My approach is to try to distill these things down into two or three of the most absolutely vital or relevant points. Other people don't mind stating the obvious, or restating the same point but from different angles, or covering slightly more obscure scenarios. We therefore come up with quite long lists, and when we have finished, we are asked to call items out, for the advisors to write onto the flipchart. They always have a clipboard, and towards the end they start reading out the 'ones we missed'. I think, for instance, that the one about them watching you out of the window was one of theirs. It's as if they have to be better, wiser, than us. I wonder how they do it.

Onward: "What is the purpose of an interview" - is now on the flipchart.

An interview is a two-way communication. You, apparently, are interviewing the employer as much as the other way round. The interviewer will, they say, be as nervous as you are. You should take the chance to find out all about the job. One of the advisors tells us that she "didn't understand this job before [she] got it." I may have imagined her palpable self-restraint in not adding "...I don't understand it now!"

The day drags on. I have pages of notes about what we were told. Things to do in preparation for the interview were reiterated almost to the point of meaninglessness. Analyse your strengths and weaknesses; research your employer; memorise your CV; be 10 minutes early; dress properly (punk costume is once again evoked as being wrong...). I am not alone in becoming disconsolate with boredom and incomprehension. Some of the class start acting up, and answering back. It becomes clear why we need two teachers present, as they back each other up. They keep repeating the line, however, about it being unnecessary to keep telling us how to behave - demonstrably untrue.

Another Brain Storm, this time on the subject of questions. You may remember (it was asserted earlier) that questions at interview are divisible into three categories. Who (are you)? What (do you do)? and Will (you do it)? The first question, we are told, is to establish your "soft skills". The second type is to find out your "key skills". The third type requires no further elaboration. I'm afraid I genuinely failed to see how any question could be put exclusively in one or other group, as in my opinion it is the answers which count. I therefore couldn't contribute to my group, and told them why. The tutors had gone into another part of the room, behind a screen - but they heard what I'd said, and told me off (from behind the screen), saying that "... if I had a complaint about the course, I should make it afterwards instead of disrupting the class." Naturally, I said nothing - any further explanation or defense of my position, and I may have become guilty of that with which I was accused.

Here are the answers:

Who? - Tell me about yourself; Give me an example of when you last used customer service skills; What are your interests? What are your strengths and weaknesses? Are you flexible?
What? - What previous experience do you have? Are you good at using computers? Can you operate a fork-lift truck*? What is your supervisory experience?
Will? - What did you enjoy most about you last job? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Why did you leave your last job?

One of my fellow jobseekers went for a job at the jobcentrePLUS, and was asked if she was a good team player. She then adopted a withering tone, and said "It's a shame they haven't got any team players working for them now." Digs at the inadequacy of the jobcentrePLUS always go down well here - especially with the staff, who never miss an opportunity to knock their public sector colleagues. "Cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother's eye", as they used to say in Church.

I still don't really see how a question could be put in one or other category, or what use it is to have the questions thus categorised. I realise that to say so again would get me nowhere, so I keep this to myself. Never mind. We are told to Google interview questions. "Do what?" asks a jobseeker, who has never heard of Google. Really.

We queue for our travel expenses, and leave.

*remind me to tell you about fork-lift trucks.

All Quiet

2009-12-09T09:48:00.000-08:00

After the first, frenetic week at YMCA, the Flexible New Deal becomes somewhat less demanding on my time. In fact, I am expected there on only one day, for what is called a Work Focused Interview, where I am to show the advisor my revised CV.

I turn up for the interview on time, to find several of my colleagues already there. They are engaged in 'job search activity'. There is some light-hearted cat calling, because they have assumed I am late for this session. While I am waiting for the advisor to see me, I wander over. They are looking through the papers at the adverts as well as looking at the internet. I notice that the flip-chart is set up, and reading it, see that their names are listed with a tally chart where they tick off the job leads they have created.

When the advisor comes over, and we sit down, I produce my CV. She is delighted I have remembered. She glances at it, and says "That's much better."

(I have deleted the words 'Curriculum Vitae' from the heading, made my name more prominent, and erased my date of birth - all at her suggestion. I have also added a line or two about the writing and voluntary work I have been doing in the past year - and that was my own idea).

She fills in the form which proves I have attended the interview, tells me when I next have to attend (once, next week, for a lecture on Interview Techniques).

I am dismissed, but I stay to look at the adverts in the local paper. I overhear a dispute between a couple of the builders and the other advisor. She is telling them off ("You are all adults") because she has caught them looking at the property supplement. They protest that this is for the good reason that if they recognise a house for sale, they can visit and canvas the new owners for work. She reasons (!) that if that were the case, they should be looking at a section of the paper which showed recently sold properties. In her defence, I suppose she is so used to slackers trying to pull fast-ones, she can no longer recognise the genuine article.

Telephone Thing

2009-12-01T09:48:00.000-08:00

We have a hard day in prospect, at (well, near) the end of a busy week. The timetable indicates modules D2 and D3 both are to be completed in what will surely be an all-day session.

The Gardener arrives in a conspicuous bad mood, because his attendance here yesterday resulted in him missing out on a job (perhaps job is overstating it - some work?). I can hear you thinking that, obviously, a choice between work and training ought to be a no-brainer. However, when your life becomes enmeshed with the jobcentrePLUS, and you contemplate the mess which could result from something like 'non attendance of a mandatory training programme'... nothing is that clear cut.

Once we're all settled down, laminated sheets of A4 paper, printed with 12 assorted corporate logos are handed around. As a "warm up exercise", we are asked to identify the brands in question. There is Shell, Kentucky Fried Chicken, MacDonalds, Labour, Windows, the Olympics, Ferrari etc. If anybody from the Conservative Party, BT Worldwide, or the Egg Marketing Board happens to be reading this - sorry to tell you, most of my friends couldn't recognise your new logos.

Module D2 of this bespoke, tailored, made to measure programme is revealed (by some writing on a flip chart) to be "Identifying That Job!"

We are shown some job adverts, and told that many of the so-called requirements outlined therein, are merely a wish-list. There are also "hidden requirements", which can be discerned with careful reading. You should not, they implore, be put off from applying for a job merely because it seems to require skills you possess in a strictly tangential capacity.

There is some individual work, where we are asked to identify the 'hidden requirements' in a page of job adverts. I manage to infer a requirement for a 7.5T driving licence which is not explicitly mentioned in an advert for a 7.5T van drivers' job.

There is a break for lunch, and we reconvene for module D3 - Use of the Telephone.

It seems that there is a Communication Device called a telephone, by which people can speak to each other over vast distances. It has the disadvantage that the participants cannot see each other, meaning that the tremendous proportion of information which we habitually transmit by non-verbal means, is unavailable. On the other hand...

We have a long discussion about this, and then break into groups to brainstorm Things to do Before Making the Call, or Things to do During the Call. My group gets the former, and my friend the Sales Director says "Secure a Telephone Resource", which he thinks will save time - covering elements such as the fact that the telephone works, and is in a quiet room, and so on (the word 'resource' also implies a person to place the call for you, as if we can afford a luxury like that in this economy). He is out of luck, as every last possible element no matter how obvious must be laboriously stated so it can be recorded on the flip chart. I mention writing a list of questions, and desired outcomes - my friend contributes the idea of Closing the Phonecall.

The long day ends, and we queue once more for our petrol money. I have Friday off, and I only have to attend once next week.

The First Lesson

2009-11-24T03:14:00.000-08:00

By Wednesday I was starting to wonder when the training would start. On Monday I had been evaluated, on Tuesday inducted. Today: Module D1.

Firstly, I hve to attend the jobcentrePLUS for the ritual signing-on. This consists of waiting for around 15 minutes in front of a row of desks. Mainly the desks are staffed by clerks who are doing their best to look busy. Occasionally one of them announces a surname, and everybody looks around the room to see who steps forward. Eventually they announce your surname, and you step forward, take a seat, and try to think of a suitable answer to the question "And how are things?"

As part of the contract to receive Jobseekers' Allowance (or to not receive it, in my case), you have to complete a form which outlines what you have done in the last fortnight to find a job. I used to be very conscientious about this aspect, making sure I had proof that I had contacted the requisite number of (potential) employers, noted every agency I had registered my details with. I would show the clerk what a good job I had done, waiting for some kind of recognition. In fact, I was criticised. I forget exactly for what - perhaps I had made too many phone calls and not written enough letters one week, or inappropriately included registrations with new recruitment consultants... Suffice to say, nowadays I don't make conversation with them. They ask me the formulaic question "Have you done any work paid or unpaid since your last signing-on?" They sign the form and I leave.

I now have 2 hours to kill before I am due at the YMCA. I go to the library. I go to the top of the multi-storey car park, and enjoy the view. I sit on a bench by the river, and eat my sandwiches. It's good to be out of the house.

There are a lot of people at the YMCA today. The small woman and the big man are there from yesterday, together with several people who all seem to know each other, and who turn out to be builders. There's a little man with a grey beard - he's reading the paper quietly, and a few others in various corners. Following the inevitable twenty minute wait, we are summoned to a table near a flip chart.

Around the table we are asked to introduce ourselves, giving our names and our preferred occupation. There are the builders. One of them announces that if he can't be a builder, he would settle for being an astronaut. This causes great hilarity around the table. He enjoys the laughter briefly, before becoming more serious, adding "Or World Superbike Champion." I wonder if he would be happy in any job which involved the wearing of a helmet. There's an electrician, a gardener, someone who wants to work in education, and my friend the big man wants to be a dustman. The tutors attempt a joke about how refreshing it is that he doesn't want to be 'a waste disposal operative', or a 'recycling technician'. As usual, they draw a complete blank.

The flipchart is turned over, and the tutor writes the word 'JOB LEADS', then draws a circle around it. Here we go - it's Pauline's Pens in full effect!

"What is a Job Lead?", we are asked. Naturally, nobody is confident enough they know, and so no-one speaks. "Ok then - " and she writes on the flipchart the word 'Telephone', and joins it to the circle with a line. "And another one?" She writes the word 'Flexible New Deal', and joins that up as well. No wonder no-one knew the answer.

We are split into groups to brainstorm as many words as we can. We come up with 18, including letters, local papers, cards in newsagents windows, the phone numbers on the sides of vans, the Yellow Pages, trade and specialist magazines, friends and relations, ex-colleagues, the internet... really, nothing is too obvious to mention. We spend half an hour comparing notes, the tutors transcribing our contributions onto the flipchart. Of course, we haven't got all of them, so they delightedly tell us the two we have missed.

By way of a digression, the difference is pointed out to us between Employment Agencies and Recruitment Agencies. I hadn't realised there was a difference, but apparently the former have a bad reputation amongst my fellow jobseekers. They offer only sporadic, unreliable hours, and don't always pay on time.

And in the words of Henry Blofeld, "That's tea."

I get talking to a man who has arrived late. I've heard some of his contributions, and he sounds pretty smart. He turns out to be a former sales director of a multi-national computer hardware company. Like me, he was made redundant a year ago. I ask him if he considers that this training will do him any good at all. I receive the answer I was expecting. Like me he realises that the programme, far from being the bespoke made-to-measure service promised at the jobcentrePLUS, was designed for a world in which if someone remains unemployed for more than 6 months, it is essentially their fault. The training seems, so far, to be attempting to rectify problems which I just don't have. When I ask why he's here, he answers that it's because they would stop his benefits otherwise.

After the break, there is a quiz. How much does a quarter page advert in the Local Gazette cost? What percentage of all jobs get advertised in the jobcentrePLUS? What percentage of all jobs are obtained from a speculative approach? What percentage of all jobs are never advertised at all?

If you answered £2000, 5%, 25% and 70%, have a house point. The object of course, is to show that if your jobseeking is confined only to the papers, or the computers in the jobcentrePLUS, you are effectively wasting your time.

So, the message is that you should use as many different sources as possible for your job leads, and then you should follow them up. Great.

Once again, I queue for my petrol money, and leave quietly.

Induction

2009-11-20T10:07:00.001-08:00

My second trip to the YMCA was for my induction. There were a few more people present this time. Three of us. We all sat around a large table, waiting the customary ten minutes for the staff to finish their chat. The manager came over and attempted to engage us in conversation by complaining about his journey to work, in what I imagine he thought was a jocular manner. "Ha!" I felt like saying, "You think you've got problems? I haven't had a job for a year!" I kept this to myself.

I eyed my new comrades. There was a small woman, who seemed already to know the staff, and was telling them about how her new job was going well, and there was a chance of some overtime. This was puzzling. What was she doing here, if she had a job already? What was she doing at an induction session if she already knew the staff? The second person was a very large man, dressed in sports wear, with a tattoos on his neck and on his knuckles. He looked as pleased to be there as I felt.

"Okay then - can we all gather round?"

The three of us were invited to another part of the room, to sit around a table identical to the one we had just vacated - but this one had a flip chart near it, and a tiny computer screen with a PowerPoint slide on it. The two Training Advisers commenced the lecture.

We were told about the YMCA and its works. They are plagued, apparently, by people singing the famous song at them. There was an expectant pause at this stage, but no-one rose to the evident challenge. One of the advisers looked a little crestfallen.

The goal of the course, which lasts a minimum of 52 weeks, is to secure sustainable employment. It includes a mandatory work related activity. There was an extensive discourse (the paper version of the tiny PowerPoint show stretched over 5 pages) about such issues as behaviour on the course, computer use policy, drugs and alcohol, attendance, health and safety, dress code and data protection. I must confess, I underlined the relevant information flamboyantly when they explained the complaints procedure. I don't know if they noticed.

So far, this half hour of solid information ("This is a lot to take in, sorry!") had somehow been shoehorned into nearly two hours of precious time. On the subject of behaviour (phones off, clean clothes, please don't be drunk, ring us if you can't come for some reason), they kept saying that "...this is all common sense - in one word, please be adult," or "...this doesn't really need saying," which begs the question.

They summoned a man from a nearby cubicle, whom I had not seen before. His job was to liaise with employers in order to secure the work related activity. He was inordinately proud, to the point of being boastful, about what he insisted on calling his Database. Some people's databases, he said (invoking the jobcentrePLUS by name), were a stain on the very concept of the database. Suffice to say, his database consists of a list or directory of a variety of local employers, complete with names and details of contacts at these companies. I await a closer encounter with this fabled database so that, rest assured dear reader, I may attempt to inform you of its majesty.

Finally a great deal of time was spent dealing with the issue of sanction. Suffice to say, if we are deemed to be breaking the Code of the Jobseeker, the YMCA can recommend that our benefits be stopped.

We were released. I queued for the £2.50 which they pay for travel expenses, and left the building. On my way back to my car, I passed the building where I used to work. I could see through a ground floor window one of my old colleagues, who gave me a grin of recognition. It turned out he was at that very moment undergoing the grim procedure of being interviewed for his own job.

Inspire-Develop-Transform at the YMCA!

2009-11-17T04:09:00.000-08:00

The local jobcentrePLUS had two providers. They decided to refer me to the one called Skills UK, who have a head office in Wembley. The advisor took great pains to reassure me that they had a local office (I must look like someone who would struggle with the implications of the phrase 'head office'), although she didn't know exactly where this was.

A fortnight or so later the phone rang. It was a man from something called YMCA Training, and he wanted to know if I could come to see him on Monday morning. I told him I could, and he said he'd send me a letter with all the details. He was just about to ring off when I reminded him that there was probably going to be a postal strike. Hadn't he better tell me where I was going, just in case? "Oh," he said, "is that definitely going ahead then?"

Clearly this training, liberated from the dead-hand of the public sector, was going to be first rate. With a man like this on my team, I would be back in full time productive employment quicker than you could say "W shaped recession". The letter arrived then next day, flat in a C4 sized envelope (meaning they had to use a Large 1st class stamp - obviously these people have money to burn).

On Monday morning I put on my suit, printed out a fresh CV, and struck out for town. YMCA Training had the top floor of an office building on the Arterial Road - just along from one of my old offices. The intercom buzzed and I went up, finding myself in a big room scattered with what looked like school furniture. There were three or four people, who I took to be staff, and me. I was obviously early, because I was left alone to wait for them to finish up their inane small-talk. Eventually one of them called me to sit at a table with her. She had a sheaf of papers.

She asked me all about myself. What kind of job was I looking for? How had I been looking for jobs? Why did I think I had been unsuccessful? My answers were all noted down carefully on the special forms. I produced the CV which the letter had asked me to bring. "Oh - that's good, you brought your CV!" she said. It looked good, she conceded, except that having the words "Curriculum Vitae" at the top was unnecessary these days. Furthermore, I should have my name in bold type, and I could delete my date of birth if I wanted. This was good stuff!

She led me over to a computer. While I completed a literacy and numeracy test, she would work out what training profile I would be expected to complete. The tests wound up being quite a challenge - although the difficulty of the questions built up quite gradually. Surprisingly the maths ended with some light trigonometry, which I think I got right. The machine gave me grades, but no other feedback. It's sad, but I could have done with a compliment.

I went back to the advisor. She had finished appraising my requirements, and my personal training programme had been duly devised. I was to attend an induction tomorrow, then (checking that nothing would clash with my commitments at the jobcentrePLUS) on Wednesday and Thursday, for three 'modules' (enigmatically named D1, D2 and D3).

I left, still in the dark about what was about to transpire. Obviously the flexible new deal wasn't going to surrender its secrets that easily.

Pauline's Pens

2009-11-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

I have been out of work for a year now, and there is still no sign of a job. The Department of Work and Pensions, via their mouthpiece jobcentrePLUS have therefore decided I need extra help. There is a scheme called the Flexible New Deal for people like me - and so I was to be referred to one of their providers, to be be given the training which would see me back on the road to usefulness. Naturally I was reminded immediately of the sketch in League of Gentlemen, in which a pen-obsessed harridan called Pauline rules over a motley selection of the bored and imbecilic, and her nemesis - the smart-alec Ross.

I was promised that the help given would in no way resemble this outdated caricature. They would interview me, and provide a programme which was tailored to my needs and ability. There would be a work related experience, but again, it would be tailored to meet my personal requirements. I would definitely not be sent to pick turnips, or to mind a machine in a factory, or wash cars - these were all possible under the old New Deal, but had been consigned to history by the new Flexible New Deal. I was cynical, and I think it showed. The advisor assured me that their providers had hosted a seminar for them, where they had been told categorically that this one-size-fits-all thinking was a thing of the past.

I must say, as I left the jobcentrePLUS that morning, I was none the wiser about what precisely was in store. I tried quite hard to get them to speak in plain English, but they refused to abandon their jargon, euphemism and acronym - it was as though they didn't know they were doing it.

Meanwhile, the jobcentrePLUS people had decided that to mark my anniversary, they too could give me some more help - for a month they would like me to see them every week, instead of the usual fortnight. Also, the job search log which I filled in every week would no longer be an A6 sized booklet, but an A4 piece of paper. Precisely the same information was to be logged - but on a bigger piece of paper! I was also given a leaflet which explained that I had become eligible for something called Work Trial ("I hereby pronounce you Employed, and sentence you to Wages"), which turned out to be an opportunity to be taken on by an employer for no wages for a month, during which you would continue to receive benefits. The employer would then receive a discount on my wages if I continued in employment for six months after that.

I should explain at this point that I am not actually getting benefits - I am signing on for my stamp. Why, you may ask, am I bothering to do that? Well - for my stamp, as I said, but also because I am determined to be counted. If I don't appear on the register (and neither do all the other people like me), then the people responsible for ruining the economy might be allowed to believe that their actions were without consequence. The one thing I have now is time - a few hours a week in the jobcentrePLUS is really neither here nor there.

So, this Work Trial would actually cost me financially. This is hypothetical, however, because I haven't yet found an actual job for which I could be trialled. Just as well, because in spite of having a leaflet explaining Work Trial, I am unsure about how and when to broach the subject with this notional prospective employer. The jobcentrePLUS people suggested incorporating information on the scheme into my CV, or in any covering letters I sent. Alternatively, they thought, I could mention it at the interview stage - perhaps at a well judged moment just before they told me I wasn't quite right:

"Well, thank you for your time Mr Hughes - we'll let you know."
"The government will let me work for free for a month! Don't make me go back outside!"

We will see.

Jobseeker Confidential

2009-11-04T01:41:00.000-08:00

...rips the lid off the shadowy world of state 'help'.